


Bubbly and Deliciously Sweet (Tainted)

by Diary



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 02, Angst and Feels, Bechdel Test Fail, Character Study, Character of Faith, Christian Character, Dark Character, Family, Female Protagonist, Female-Centric, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Introspection, Morally Ambiguous Character, POV Eden Spencer, POV Female Character, Post-Season/Series 01 AU, Prayer, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-27 01:06:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15013364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: A slightly AU character study of Eden. Complete.





	Bubbly and Deliciously Sweet (Tainted)

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own The Handmaid's Tale.

The day Gilead became was a day of joy. She tasted soda, dark, bubbly, and deliciously sweet, for the first time, and her parents let her eat ice-cream until she got a stomachache.

“God has blessed us by giving us this for you,” her mom said. “You’ll never be hungry or without shelter. If you get sick, a doctor will always help you. When you have children, they’ll always be safe.”

When she was a child, she imagined her wedding. She wanted to wear a purple dress, get married under the stars, and have mint-green chocolate cake. One day, her dad frowned when he watched her play, and later, her mom told her how her wedding would be. It was what was proper.

She tried not to make her parents unhappy. It hurt her when they looked sad, disappointed, or irritated, and they’d often refuse to talk to her when they were.

So, she kept quiet. She didn’t point out her mom was married in a sundress on the beach with strawberry cake. Her grandpa was a judge, and he married them.

Sometimes, she wonders if her grandpa is still alive. She thinks she was three when she stopped seeing him, and her parents never answered questions of where he was. One day, she threw a fit over wanting to see him, and she was locked in her room for long enough she never threw another fit.

On the day of her wedding, she felt her stomach drop when she met her groom. His name was Nick, and he was handsome, but he had the same irritated look in his eyes her dad often had.

“Mama, I’m not sure he likes me,” she’d quietly whispered.

“It’ll take time, Eden,” was the weary reply. “God be with you. Kiss us, baby.”

She’d kissed them, and her dad had surprised her by hugging her. “Be a good wife, Eden. He’ll never hurt you. I promise.”

Until these words, she’d never considered her husband might. Good husbands, she knew, didn’t hurt their wives, and she’d be a good wife so that those who did hurt bad wives would never have cause to punish her.

Sometimes, she wonders if she wasn’t quiet enough and her dad heard her words.

There was champagne on her wedding day, light, bubbly, and deliciously sweet, and she pushed her nervousness down as much as she could. Commander Waterford was almost mischievous in his smiles and congratulations. Mrs Waterford and the handmaid were kind but distracted, but this was likely due to the pregnancy. Rita was stern and disapproving, but she's heard Aunts and Marthas are much the same, and she’s had her share of dealing with Aunts. She knows most of them, doing right will be met with no punishment, and this is the best anyone can hope for.

She knew what happened between man and wife in bed, and the idea filled her with different emotions, mixed together, but she was ready.

When it didn’t happen, she knew she couldn’t ask to go back and talk to her mom. Maybe, he was tired and the champagne- she heard once, alcohol made some men unable to- or maybe, he knew she wasn’t at her most fertile. Her mom’s always kept track of her bleeding, and the animals on the farm only mated during certain times. Her dad always knew when these times were about to come.

He was worse than her dad, and even now, she feels guilty and afraid for such thoughts.

She undressed, and he didn’t make her feel uncomfortable by looking, but at the same time, men and their wives were allowed to see one another naked. Her mom got horribly mad when she ran around in only her panties when she was about four or five and some friends had brought over their children, two girls, a boy, and a baby she can’t remember if it was a boy or girl.

He hardly ever looked at any woman, though, he did show a sweet concern for the handmaid, and she found herself- he had no problem looking at men. This was normal, wasn’t it, men looked at men, women looked at women, and only certain men and women could look at one another. Except-

If he was a gender traitor, she doesn’t think she could ever report someone, especially not someone God had told her to marry, but- perhaps, it was her duty to help him change. Maybe, he was a truly good man who’d never been with anyone even before Gilead came. Once they were properly together, once they had a baby, he’d be happy and love her.

Offred was safe to talk to. She heard of Ofglen and how Offred had refused to report her.

Finally, they were together, and it didn’t hurt. It didn’t- he was handsome, his hands felt nice the few times they touched, and she’d hoped for more. If there’d been kissing or they’d been naked, something, it might have been better.

She wondered if he minded sleeping next to her at night. The sleepovers she’d gone to, she’d liked sleeping next to her friends in bed or pressed together in sleeping bags on the floor. It was nice to have someone strong and warm against her.

I’ll be a good wife, and eventually, he’ll be happy and love me, she kept telling herself. God help me. I want to make you happy and be a good wife, a good woman, a good mother. Just, please, help me.

No matter what she did, though, he was worse than an Aunt, and at least, Aunts made the rules clear.

She packed his suitcase, just like her mom used to do for her and her dad, just like she learned how to do for herself. There were postcards, and she wasn’t sure where they were supposed to go. She set them aside, and for some reason, she thought he might be happy she was so willing to seek his guidance. Her dad was always happy when she asked how machines worked and why, and her mom was almost always patient with teaching her things.

“Did you read them?”

 _I can’t read_ , she almost said. She can recognise her name and her parents’ on paper, but she doesn’t know how to read. There weren’t printed words around often when she was growing up. There was The Bible, papers locked in her dad’s desk, and a few children’s books. Her dad was always the one to read.

Why she didn’t say this, she wishes she knew. Like her parents, he was an adult when women still read, when girls and boys both, were being taught to, and he probably doesn’t know that her parents taught her everything she needed to know rather than sending her to any sort of school.

She has a vague memory of her mom being mad at her dad for reading something of her mom’s.

If she’d said, _even if I could read, I’d be a good wife and respect your business, I wouldn’t meddle_ , would this have made him less angry?

When the Waterfords left Isaac in charge, how was she supposed to know this was dangerous? She’d do whatever would make everyone happy, if only someone would just tell her what it is they want.

Isaac was rough with the other women and didn’t show Offred the proper respect and caring a pregnant woman deserves, but he didn’t look past her or look annoyed at her presence. She’s not sure which she finds worse.

She doesn’t know what possessed her to kiss him. Her parents always told her demon possession wasn’t real, it was just something the Catholics made up to scare people into being Papists, and she’s not like the handmaids who do dangerous, disobedient things.

He was there, handsome underneath the stars, and she was irritated over having to take out the garbage. Looking back, she can see how this would sound. She can see how stupid and selfish she was. For someone to be with someone other than their husband or wife, even if it’s only kissing and nothing that would produce babies, it’s wrong and hurtful, unless the person is Nick.

Then, it’s still wrong for her to have done it, but the wild thought she could home with another man’s child growing in her, and he’d simply be exasperated she was causing trouble and would have no pity for the baby-

Nick wasn’t even there, but if he was and she asked him to take the garbage out, he’d either do it or simply refuse. If she asked him anything, he’d either do it or refuse, but his reasons would be, because, it made his life easier or would inconvenience him, not because they’re supposed to be building a life together. She didn’t get to choose who’d she marry, either, but at least, she’s trying.

God help me, she prays. Forgive me. Forgive me for the kiss, and don’t let him change his mind about having me punished. I swear, I’m trying to be a good wife. I’ll never stray again. Please, help me be a good wife and make him happy. Please, make him be a good husband. Please, let us love one another the way a man and wife should.

When he comes back, she decides, I’ll try talking to him again. No crying. I’ll explain there’s a lot I don’t know and understand, but I’m willing to learn. I want to be someone he can trust and like and, maybe, one day love.

She wishes she knew what kind of food he truly likes. Her mom likes footrubs, and her dad’s always been happy to do that for her. If that was something he’d like-

Please, God, let him come home soon, and help me when he does.


End file.
